I'm not diggin this blog. It will be no more.

If/When i do post, it'll be at http://in-between-spaces.blogspot.com/

I'm going to do New Years in Montreal, I've decided. Any one who is interested should give it some thought and let me know...

driving, busing - still up in the air. same with dates. I assume i'll have to work the 30th (a saturday, fucking retail) so i may leave that evening. also, i don't know how many people Kara can accommodate? I'm sure no one minds if it's snug ;)

Current Location: work
Current Music: new Beck - so fucking good

I am so tired of this guilt.
If I improve, take a chance. If I hurt, when i fail.
It's always the same.

So, not so okay.

Current Mood: listless

We are doing a very poor job of this blog thing, Kara. I agree. I can never write when things feel pressing, and feel dull when they are not. So updates come in tidal waves of summary that do little justice. memory is flawed, god bless it.

Things have been fantastically difficult recently. Readings around these blogs is telling me that I'm not alone. While it's been a painful fortnight, I'm feeling some relief! This week is ending on a high and relaxing note, so on this (uncharacteristic?) theme i will fill in some of my silences.

2 major projects this week made time scarce and sleep unaffordable. this began on monday morning when I learned that the project i thought was due on Wednesday was actually do THAT VERY AFTERNOON which lead to a minor heart attack. Bryn & Jocelyn were on the other end of the phone and kept my panic to only a slightly manic level. The stress leaked into the rest of the weak... my poor heart can't handle it :(

Once that was finished I could start the next: a seminar. I had one night to research and write the whole thing. This was also the night that my brakes failed and i almost crashed my car. By some spectacular luck (and not a little cat-like agility?) i avoided collision! AMAZING! My heart was in my throat, but "for a redhead, I did amazingly well" said the sarcastic redheaded tow truck driver who came to my aid. Oh, and Bryn saved me again. That boy is something. Somuchthankfullness.

The family drama has died down. My sister and i are working at a whole new level that i am really happy with. I'm feeling like myself again, in their eyes, and for the first time in a while i am not made to feel that that is a bad thing

China broke Steph! Tried to to the shoulder right off of her! Bastard country. and when i drink at Failte i really really miss laura's face. miss you girls. China, what have you done for ME lately?

Kara, i'm sorry for your montreal ennui. i am sorry that i haven't visited yet. i want a cuddle from you *so bad* right now...

There's a lot of talk about the folly in people running away to find themselves. I think that there can be validity in it, and adore the bravery that those adventures require. There are no grand moves in my future until next year, and the grandure is debatable. But that is not what i'm talking about. Lately I've needed to regroup, to retreat into myself. This is not denying life -- it is the process necessary so i can live it in a way i am proud of.

and you know what? i'm feeling Okay.

Current Mood: Thoroughly Okay
Current Music: can't get the Talking Heads out of my mine

i am making poor use of mr. blog. hello there, bloggyblog.

Most pressing news: My dad is CANCER-LESS! Today was the day we found out what the CAT scans meant, and they meant beautiful things. A healthy dad makes for a happy home, and I am breathing better because of it.

The rest of the family are still making me feel like a stranger, though. I hope this will pass. When your family asks you to change (you've gone astray), it's hard to believe that they "love you anyway". Even if they're right.. Last week I had all of these big thoughts, all of this clarity. I'm getting all muddied up, again... the irony is that i write post-inspiration. no wonder my blogs suck!

Teacher's Applications are bullshit. I hate them. Why am I even doing them when I know that I will do the grad-school thing in 2 years?
Oh, that's right. Security. Aka. lack-of-imagination/guts/moxy.

Current Mood: guilty

Mind is all a flutter.

Do I really forget how flustered I get every school year? I should no longer be suprised by this. Nevertheless. It feels like kittens in my hair. Sing it, Tori.

School is rarely this interesting, though. My seminar on Human Rights is seriously kicking my ass. Each class blows my mind just a little bit more than the time before. It's shocking and paradigm shattering enough that it's managed to stop my hyper-verbal-academic-confidence in its tracks. And get this: I need to come up with an activist or creative project in a month re: human rights. Fucking hell, does this ever intimidate me. Suggestions/inspiration welcome. And if one of you suggests an interpretive dance portrayal of genocide, so help me god...

And there was a philosopher (yep, i already forgot his name) giving a lecture on the morally/philosophically rightness and wrongness of terrorism this evening. Bryn was pleased. Just enough philosophical argumentation and controversal subject matter to make him hot. I just liked it when the yelling started.

My dad is well. Back to work and feeling optimistic. Next week we learn if the cancer is cancer.

Kara is home this weekend! How I wish I wish there were no assignments needing attention while she is here. I can't keep up this year, and only 3 classes! I miss Sonal very much. School hurts my heart when she's not around. That, and I feel my cynicism rising!! Sonal, bring back the dreamer in me!
(Laura & Steph, Miss YOu. But you never Update, so you'll Never read this)

Current Mood: pensive

I need Kara to call me.
Montreal shootings, if they shake me up, they must you. ...call please, your voice is necessary.

my dad is finally home from the hospital. over a week there, and it was scary. the pneumonia is almost kicked... but now there is talk of cancer being in his other lung. this is potentially a godsend, this pneumonia, because it's brought the cancer (which is still in very early stages, apparently) to the light. I haven't quite gotten over the word itself, however, and it's potential meaning... so there isn't much relief yet for this girl.

Turns out I may not be the academic super-star i thought i was. i haven't even heard back from the TA job that Toye told me to apply for, and classes are almost a week over. Feeling kinda dejected about the whole thing -- gonna ask her what's the deal with it tomorrow at a meeting i have with her at the cafe. at least a rejection email would be better than NOTHING if i have been rejected. oh well.

ps - we're throwing my dad's bday party this Sat. at the Duke. Beer, darts, food. Please stop by anyone who is interested! The Irish are down, and they are fun, too. Should be a good night... we will drink to Al McKnight's lungs working again. cheers!

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: eisley

inspired by the video that bryn posted that gave me chills and kara "creepy feelings" (haha), i want to share this one...




Can you believe that I wrote an exam where this video was a question?? God bless Women's Studies.

there has been such sweetness and support thrown my way the past two days, thank you all so much for it! and i even got treated to dinner and drinks from portions of the Ossington family (!) as Evan passes through Waterloo on his move to Toronto. What a loverly day.

My dad is looking worlds better. Still wont be home for a while, I imagine, but that's ok. Silly man calls me at 10:30pm (interupting my Guinness) asking for a coffee and company, so I snuck in past visiting hours and hung out until around midnight when he got all morphined up and ready to sleep. I am so very relieved. Nothing at all like the scariness of last night.. so i am a happy girl, and thanks everyone for all the love! i am surrounded by the sweetest people; i am thankful for you all.

love!

Current Mood: !

Update:

My dad is pulling a frustrating jeckle & hyde routine. During the days at the hospital, he almost looks okay - spirits reasonable, sense of humour, usual funny insults, and i leave feeling okay. By night, he is in shambles, almost in tears due to pain, running a fever and barely coherent. I leave shaken and teary, and try to sleep (drink?) it off. Oh how he hates the nurses. and the more time i spend there, i see why -- except the lovely emily, the stunning redheaded tattooed nurse, of course.

All this madness and we still have visitors from Ireland coming Saturday morning! Not only do we have no idea who is going to pick them up from the airport (my sister and I cannot get out of work) but I'm left trying to clean this godforsaken house inbetween hospital visits and work. Oi vay, my pretties. This week is long and getting much much longer. Oh, and i still haven't written the letter I promised Dr. Toye, and the deadline is approaching. Why do I procrastinate and then why do things happen to show me how moronic I am for procrastinating!? Can't I just get away with it??
Bah.



(Kara, you're made for school. it's the blonde vapid twats who don't belong. show them your brilliance!)

much love to you all,
Joceyln is coming over with pizza to add to my beer, and we will enjoy some sun as i cleancleanclean

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: zoebliss